I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
a search helicopter?!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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