My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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