Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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