Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
