YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
