You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
