Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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