I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
