I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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