Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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