I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers