I am puke
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
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i think i scared a bird with my dick
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!