I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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