8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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