Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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