i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How does it feel to date your dad?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
