I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
