Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
