Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this just has baby written all over it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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