How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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