The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
