There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
