Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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