so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
