You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
