This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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