My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you would pick up someone in the library
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
