Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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