I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
