i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
