ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
