I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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