Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
