did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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