That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
