I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
