No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
