in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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