you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
