you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
