I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
