No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
