insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
