There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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