definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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