Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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