I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize