FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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