we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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