she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
