There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize