I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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