Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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