oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
