She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
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I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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