shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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