my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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