I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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