did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
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