Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
