Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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