I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
